Does loving someone mean never having painful conversations?

Fill in the blank: "If you love me, _____."

What's the first thing that comes to mind? Maybe "you'd show it" or "you'd accept me as I am" or "I would know." Most of us fill in that blank with something about how love should make us feel or what love should give us.

Here's a perspective-shifting thought: Tim Keller (a pastor and author who passed away recently) once wrote that in the early stages of any relationship, everything we think we love about the other person is actually what we love about ourselves. Ouch. That's harsh, but think about it—we love how they make us feel, what they do for us, how they complete us.

The Bible fills in that blank differently than we might expect. And as we wrap up our series through 2 Corinthians chapters 10-12, we're going to see an answer that challenges everything our culture tells us about love.

The backstory: Paul and the church at Corinth

To understand what's happening, we need some context. The Apostle Paul—commissioned by Jesus after his resurrection—traveled around starting churches and preaching the gospel. One of those churches was in Corinth, a wealthy port city kind of like Las Vegas: lots of money, lots of trade, and a reputation for pretty loose morals.

Paul started this church, and people came to faith in Jesus. But then, after Paul left, some influencers showed up. These were people who said what others wanted to hear, spoke eloquently, made audacious claims, and gradually pulled the church's affection away from Paul. They made the Corinthians question whether Paul actually loved them—especially because Paul refused to take their money while he accepted financial support from other churches.

Why would Paul do that? Because in an upper-class city like Corinth, he didn't want anyone thinking he came just to get their money. He wanted them to know he came because Jesus sent him, period.

"You forced me to be a fool"

In 2 Corinthians 12:11, Paul writes: "I have been a fool! You forced me to it, for I ought to have been commended by you."

He's been listing his credentials and hardships—things he didn't want to brag about—because the Corinthians were asking for proof that he was qualified to be their spiritual leader. Paul's essentially saying, "You want my resume? YOU are my resume. You didn't know Jesus. I introduced you to him. You should be my letter of recommendation."

But here's what's beautiful: Paul knows his role was actually tiny compared to Jesus' work. He writes, "I was not at all inferior to these super-apostles, even though I am nothing" (2 Corinthians 12:11). He's saying, "Sure, I preached to you, but Jesus did the real work. He's the infinite Creator who put on human skin to win people back to himself. I just told you what he did."

In a world bragging about its own greatness, we disclose our weaknesses to highlight Jesus' strength.

The signs no one talks about

Paul mentions that he performed "signs and wonders and mighty works" among them (2 Corinthians 12:12). And then... he says nothing else about them. No details. No miracle stories. Not even a hint about what those signs were.

That's the point. The miracles weren't about Paul. They pointed to Jesus, the Lord of creation who was reconciling lost humanity to himself. True leadership isn't about shining the spotlight on ourselves—it's about being used by God to shine the spotlight on Jesus Christ.

In a world fighting by arrogance and deceit, we triumph by meekness and integrity.

Being spent versus Buying UP

Here's where it gets really practical. Paul writes, "I will most gladly spend and be spent for your souls. If I love you more, am I to be loved less?" (2 Corinthians 12:15).

He's saying, "I don't want your stuff. I want you. I want your heart surrendered to Jesus. I'll put it all out there—my body, my money, my time, my presence. I'll be completely spent for your benefit."

This is the opposite of how we usually think about life. We live in a world that tells us to accumulate—more money, more comfort, more security, more stuff. But the biblical word for being spent by Jesus is stewardship. It's the idea that everything we have is meant to flow through us to benefit others, not just pile up for ourselves.

Take inventory of your life right now. Would you say your life is being spent by Jesus, or are you mostly focused on building up and accumulating for yourself?

In a world buying up every selfish whim, we are spent by Jesus for others' benefit.

Here's an important distinction though: being spent by Jesus is different from being used by other people. Some of us are naturally giving, and we let others take advantage of us while pretending Jesus is spending us. Real stewardship means we take our direction from Jesus on how to love and how to serve—not from the demands or manipulations of others.

When love means grief

Paul addresses a huge issue in the Corinthian church. He can see the fruit of them following these false teachers: "quarreling, jealousy, anger, hostility, slander, gossip, conceit, and disorder" (2 Corinthians 12:20). There may also be sexual immorality and impurity that people haven't fully eliminated from their lives (2 Corinthians 12:21).

And here's how Paul says he'll respond: "I fear that when I come again, my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented" (2 Corinthians 12:21).

Wait—mourn? Not preach harder? Not yell louder? Not shame them?

He's going to grieve.

This is how the Bible fills in the blank: If you love me, you'll actively grieve over my sin and work diligently to guide me toward repentance.

That's not what our culture teaches. Our culture says, "If you love me, you'll accept everything I do. You'll never make me uncomfortable. You'll affirm all my choices." But biblical love looks like Jesus weeping in the garden, grieving over what sin costs, actively working to guide people back to life.

Love actively grieves over sin and works diligently to guide toward repentance.

The hard questions

This brings up some challenging questions we need to ask ourselves:

Who are we praying for? If we're not committed to seeing people turn from themselves to Jesus, if we're not asking the Holy Spirit to move first, transformation won't happen. None of us chooses Jesus unless Jesus softens our hearts first.

What stumbling blocks have we been tolerating? Paul lists gossip, slander, sexual sin, sensuality—things the Corinthians were just kind of ignoring. What are the things in our own lives that we've wrapped our arms around protectively, making sure nobody can touch them? What about in the lives of people we care about—where have we hesitated to call sin what it is and ask them to repent?

"Woah, that's too hard. They might say something mean about me."

Maybe. But in a world buying up every selfish whim, we are spent by Jesus for others' benefit.

Why it matters

C.S. Lewis wrote, "Both good and evil increase at compound interest. That is why the little decisions you and I make every day are of such infinite importance."

The small choice to have a hard conversation matters. The daily decision to pray for someone matters. The uncomfortable moment when you speak truth in love matters. These aren't one-time events—they compound over time, for good or for evil.

There's a helpful phrase from a church in South Florida: Fill the gaps with grace. When we don't know everything about a situation or a person's motives, we tend to fill those gaps with suspicion. But if we're people walking with Jesus, we can choose to believe the best about others on Jesus' team. Be wise, yes. But fill the gaps with grace.

The invitation

So here's what we're being invited into: a kind of love that's willing to be spent. A kind of love that grieves over sin because it knows the destruction sin brings. A kind of love that has the courage to speak truth even when it's uncomfortable.

This isn't about lording our perfection over anyone—none of us has mastered this. It's simply crying out together, "Choose to live! There’s life in Jesus!"

If you love me, you'll tell me the truth.

If you love me, you'll grieve when I'm heading toward destruction.

If you love me, you'll be spent by Jesus for my benefit, even when it costs you something.

That's the love Jesus showed us. And by his grace, it's the love we can show each other.